My Immortal
by bonbonpich
Summary: What if Tsuzuki died in Tohda's flames? How would Hisoka change, what would he do with Muraki, the cause of his partner's death? What happened to Tsuzuki after that? shonenai TsuxHi. Ch.4 uploaded, Hisoka went to Muraki. *On Hold*
1. Prologue & Ch1

I've submitted this chapters sometimes ago, but it's gone, don't know why. So I'm redoing it. I'm putting both Prologue and chapter 1 here. Thanx a million to Wintersturm for beta-reading.

This's a songfic "My Immortal" performed by Evanescence.

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MY IMMORTAL 

**Prologue**

_I'm so tired of being here, _

Suppressed by all my childish fears.

He sat quietly, resting his back against the trunk of the large cherry blossom tree.

His light blue jeans had done a little to keep him warm in the current weathere in Meifu that was rather cold. A soft breeze blew and his ash blond hair swiftly swayed against his pale cheek. Pink petals softly swayed pass his unfocusing eyes. His green eyes matched the color of the cool grass beneath him, though his were a little darker now.

Except his eyes that blinked from time to time, he had not made a slightest movement. Hours had passed, Kurosaki Hisoka still remained motionless. Nothing mattered much. All that mattered to him was now gone.

* * *

He didn't know nor did he care about the passage of time. Until he heard his name was being called several times from a distance. His head slowly turned towards of where the sound came from, his eyes remained unfocus and dimmed as ever. 

"Do you think he's around here?" A voice asked. The Osakan accent could be plainly heard.

"I don't know. What could we expect?" Came another voice replying.

Hisoka sighed and stood. Some pink petals didn't leave his clothes. He didn't brushed it off, he didn't care.

"I'm here, Tatsumi-san, Watari-san." The two men followed the voice's direction and found the boy stepped out from behind one of the tree. "Did you need me for anything?"

The secretary and the scientist exchange a glance before they came closer to the boy. "Well, nothing. We haven't seen you in the cafeteria. We just come looking for you."

"You look pale, Bon. Maybe you should go back and rest." Watari addressed.

"I'm always pale, Watari-san. It's my skin color. What can I do?" He didn't have any intention to be sarcastic. But he was too tired to care about it. He wanted to end the conversation. He wanted everything to end. "I'll just get back to work." With that, he headed to the building, leaving his elders behind.

"He's not himself at all." Watari implied while Tatsumi only watched the boy leave.

* * *

He couldn't focus on his work, and he knew why. He remembered how he had worked so well back then, despite having a person who sit next to him and do a noisy sleep talking. And he had to scold a person to shut up. Now, it was quiet, too quiet. 

And he felt disturbed as a person wasn't there to disturb him no more.

He started writing some paper. He wanted to work. He didn't want anyone to worry over him anymore. He knew everybody just felt the way he does. Wakaba brought some food for him when he didn't show up at the cafeteria. Terazuma walked him home when he didn't feel quite well. But Hisoka just want them to stop.

* * *

Tatsumi and Watari were back in their office. They sat in silence, doing their work. Until Watari brought up a matter. 

"Tatsumi. Do you think…how long will things continue this way?" Watari asked, his fingers hovering the keyboard slowing to a halt.

Gathering some paperwork file in his arms, Tatsumi whirled around, noticing Watari's hunched back behind his working table, and the nearly-blank computer screen. Undoubtly, Watari hadn't been focused on his work either.

"I have no idea. And hard as it is for us to accept the way things are, I bet it's much worse for Kurosaki-kun. He's just a child after all." Tatsumi took out some papers from the file he was holding and handed them to Watari.

"What's this?" Watari asked as he eyed towards the papers suspiciously. Nevertheless, he took them willingly enough.

"That's Kurosaki-kun's work, notice anything?" Said Tatsumi neutrally.

"It's…changed. I remember him having better handwriting than this, and even the way he write reports…" Watari couldn't help but felt sad for the boy. "Damn it. What can we do." The man suppressed his feeling to bang his fist on the table.

"There's nothing much, maybe nothing at all that we can do."

_Kurosaki Hisoka had died the day Tsuzuki Asato ceased to exist._

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_**Chapter 1**_

_If you have to leave,_

_I wish that you would just leave._

"I'm so tired."

His words came out through trembling lips. The face once always held the beautiful smile was now stained with falling tears as its owner mourned desperately for death.

Hisoka couldn't believe his eyes. He couldn't—didn't want to—believe that the person in front of him now was himHe should be an idiot who only cried for sweets, the lazy one who said the word "tired" only to slack off from work, the person who sulked only when Tatsumi or Kachou scolded himHe should be a baka—HIS BAKA

Conflicting. Of how someone could hide the true self from others. Hisoka didn't know Tsuzuki could be this good at it. That he could keep up himself as a sane person with those happy mask he always had put on. How Tsuzuki was now different, yet feeling so familiar. Feelings never lied, this was Tsuzuki.

Hisoka gasped as his head backed away slightly with disbelief, staring at the man in front of him.

For one thing, Hisoka didn't know how to react at the moment. Before he had jumped amidst Tohda's flames, all that was in his mind was about to save Tsuzuki. Although Watari had tried to stop him and Tatsumi had explained that this is all Tsuzuki's wish. Hisoka just couldn't accept it. He never will. The boy had hoped that if he reach out to Tsuzuki, his partner would come back with him. But he was wrong.

Tsuzuki had only shaken his head, and turned it to one side, directing his gaze downwards and away from Hisoka's proffered hand. Tears had rolled across his cheek and onto his hand.

"I don't want to live my life any longer. That's why, here, I'll-"

He was cut off and gasped when a small weight flung onto him, and arms tightly wrapped around his neck. Swaying backward slightly, Tsuzuki managed to remain upright.

"Hisoka?"

Tsuzuki cried out in disbelief. He remained motionless as Hisoka held onto him. His dimmed violet eyes startled as his ears caught the muffled words. And he felt the boy's tears falling on his neck.

_'Hisoka was crying over him?'_

"Then please live for me! I don't want to be alone anymore!"

He shifted his gaze until he could make out the familiar blond hair, his vision remained there, still shocked by the totally unexpected behavior.

"This is my only place to return to!" Hisoka whispered through his sobs even as he tightened his grip, pressing his face into Tsuzuki's broad but fallen shoulder. "And it is yours as well!"

Tsuzuki listened as the boy's voice became smaller and smaller as he cried. Then slowly, he raised his hands, returning the boy's embrace.

"Can I still…stay here?"

Hisoka couldn't bring himself to speak. A nod against Tsuzuki's neck was all he could managed. And he meant it.

_'I won't be anywhere far ever again. I won't let go of your hands anymore. If it's the next world that you're going to, then I'm coming too! Tsuzuki!'_

For a time, they remained tightly locked together. Black flames hovered everywhere, eating there surroundings little by little. Objects fell and walls crumbled to the floor, but neither shinigami cared.

For all that mattered were right here in their arms.

Tsuzuki let out a contented sigh that made Hisoka smile inside. No matter where Tsuzuki went, be it the way up above the highest heaven, or down low to the deepest pit of hell. Hisoka would be willingly to go with Tsuzuki. And they held onto each other for God knows how long.

At the moment, Hisoka knew this was what he ought to do. He'd never been so sure about anything in his entire life, but this was it. This is the very time that he can be so sure of what he was doing. Tsuzuki had held onto him, as much as Hisoka had wanted him to. He didn't want Tsuzuki to fear for his life, or forcing him away to protect him.

But then…

It happened fast. As he was just thinking of only to follow Tsuzuki, the next moment he had been pushed back. As if the time had stopped. His heart clenched as what laid before his eyes. Tsuzuki had pushed him away, fears inside those tearful violet eyes.

Hisoka wondered why.

Hisoka felt himself landed onto the floor some distance away. Hurt by rejection, he determindedly propped himself up using his elbow just in time to see a blackened projectile smashed onto the ground below.

Green eyes widened with shock, and looking past the fallen stone. He saw the spot where Tsuzuki had lain occupied instead by a fallen pillar covered with black flames. It was only then that Hisoka understood.

This time, his heart crashed, as if the whole place had collapsed upon him. His breaths stopped. And his brain might have stopped function as well, at least for a second or so…

"…Tsu…zuki…" His voice came out as a softest whisper, dread filled his eyes, before he suddenly shouted, "Tsuzuki!"

Getting to his feet, the boy rushed where he thought Tsuzuki might be under that mess, levitating so as not to add anymore weight to the ruble. "Tsuzuki!" Tears started to fall off his cheeks once again, blurring his vision. "God!" He quickly wiped it away as his other hand began pushing the larger, burning pieces away. His hands burnt instantly as it touched those mess, but he couldn't care less.

"Tsuzuki!"

He thought he heard Tsuzuki's voice, moaning weakly under that pillar, feeding him with frantic hope.

Finally, using all of the strength his hands could offer, he was able to move a large piece of ruble to the side where it landed with a heavy thud. There he found Tsuzuki trapped under the burning wreckage. Only a part of Tsuzuki's face could be seen from where he hovered. Red blood with a black stain on his face.

"Tsuzuki!"

Slowly, Tsuzuki opened his eyes. His vision blurred, and only his left eye was working. His right eye was soaked with blood that dripped from his forehead to his chin. He looked up at Hisoka weakly.

"Hang in there, I'll get you out!"

Tsuzuki felt his world was getting dark. Regardless of that, he could see Hisoka and hear his voice shouting his name; he could see the burnt hands that tried to help him and the green fearful eyes that were glassed with tears.

"…That's enough…Hisoka. Just…go." Tsuzuki slurred. As he was sure that Hisoka would heard him but won't listen to him, he shouted on the top of his lungs. "JUST GO! Hisoka!"

"DAMN YOU! Tsuzuki! DON'T YOU DARE DIE ON ME!" Hisoka snapped back instantly. Then he saw Tsuzuki's gaze shifted upwards and mouthed some words to something behind and above Hisoka. Then the gaze settled back on Hisoka.

"I'm glad you came for me…Hisoka…Thanks."

That was it. Before Hisoka could place his hand once more on the burning mess, he touched into something else dark. Then he was engulfed by a darkness. He gasped even as he heard another loud crash right above him. And was forcefully pulled from the ruins by the darkness that shielded him. Tatsumi's shadow, he realised…and understood.

Panic rose into him. "No! Tatsumi-san! Tsuzuki!" Still the black shadow lifted him higher, and still Tatsumi remained nowhere to be seen. 'He's probably controlling the shadows from somewhere above,' Hisoka rationalised. Coming to this conclusion, Hisoka directed his attention downwards towards the partially-exposed face of his partner that was still smiling at him.. It was a real smile, unlike the faint ones that never reached his eyes.

'_Damn his smile_.' Right now, Hisoka doesn't want Tsuzuki's smile, he wants Tsuzuki's safety. He wants Tsuzuki's life.

Then it goes another falling pillars where Tsuzuki laid. Burnt hands raised themselves to cover his mouth in pure shock. Hisoka saw all of it happening.

"TSUZUKI!" He reached. Reaching desperately forward, but the dark shadow did well to keep him back, safe.

For a few seconds, Hisoka had bumped into something, Watari's arms. Only then did he realise that he was standing at the edge of the lab gate, at the very place where he had jumped into the flames.

Tatsumi had used his shadow to save him, and only him.

"Bon! Are you all right? Your hands!" Watari held the boy who leant against his arms for support.

"This place is not safe either; we must leave!" Tatsumi stated as the building continued to collapse. Hisoka promptly spun his head to the side, and saw Tatsumi searching for a way out.

"Tatsumi-san! Tsuzuki!" Hisoka cried urgently, only to get a sharp pang across his chest when Tatsumi shook his head sadly. "NO!" He yelled in denial and pried Watari's arms off himself.

"It's too late! Bon! He won't make it!" Watari said as he bit his lips, but the boy paid him no attention. Hisoka turned swiftly, back towards the laboratory.

However, before the boy could take a step to jump back into the flames once again, an arm pulled him back by the shoulder, and he received a hard blow in his stomach. Hisoka gasped, his world faded into the cold darkness.

End Chapter I

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Thanks for reading!

As usual, I'm always in need of beta-reader. Please e-mail me if anyone can check over my English for fanfics. I still got other YnM fics I'm trying to finished and put them here.


	2. Ch2 Those Who was Left Behind

The 2nd part in this chapter (after lyric goes: "your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone" was beta by Kyokutou. Thanx a lot!

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* * *

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**Chapter 2 Those Who Was Left Behind**

It was one particular day in JuOhCho. A day in which the routine for each person was standadized. With a serious complained on a budget deficiencies---a sound of loud explosion from the laboratory---a cheerful curly-haired girl throwing people a bright smiles despite her fiercesome looking partner---and the twin librarian setting time aside from work to visit their Kachou who sipped his tea in his spot as he watched his co-workers on their duty---or the two blonde girls who came from Hokkaido, mainly to get a 16 years old boy to wear pink house clothes.

Nothing would ever be the same again from this day onwards and forever.

There would no longer be a person for Tatsumi and Kachou to scold at, or someone who would laugh happily at being allowed to have Wakaba's home made sweets. Terazuma no longer had a rival to compete with in a dead match. And the twin little gods need not kicked anyone out of the library because the library destroyer was no longer around. A day the Hokkaido girls sqealing over a poor boy might as well no longer be.

Yet in spite of that, everything for everyone must continue as per normal.

They had wept for him, knowing they couldn't change a thing. Their own lives still have to move on while they shelved their sorrow. All they fear for now was only the youngest shinigami who laid unconcious in the infirmary.

* * *

"How should we tell him?" 

"We don't have to. He saw everthing, knows everything. And I'm sure he remembers everything. It's only a matter of time before he deals with it."

Their voices were barely audible but Hisoka could almost hear them perfectly, although he wasn't fully concious yet, he was an empath after all. Screwing his eyes shut more tightly, he tried to shut off his mind from what he had heard.

'_No…I don't know anything. I don't hear anything. This is just a dream, a bad dream. A terrible nightmare of all. If I were to open my eyes, I'll see him just there. I'll see his stupid face looking at me, his naïve violet eyes staring with concern. And I'll hear his annoying voice trying to comfort me, saying everything would be OK'_

_I'll wake up from this nightmare and might as well finds myself in his arms as I once did._

But Hisoka still dare not open his eyes, he was afraid. Afraid of what lies ahead from now---of his tomorrows without his partner..

Despite the now audible conversation to his ears from the two nearby, Hisoka wouldn't be able to accept it. Not now…not ever.

His eyes opened of their own accord. The first thing that came to view was the white ceiling of the infirmary. Blinking, he then noticed a couple of his co-workers nearby. His partner, however, was nowhere to be found.

"Bon!" Watari had apparently noticed the boy stirring and he shifted closer to the bed with Tatsumi closed behind. "How are you feeling?" It was the same question that he had always been asked whenever he got injured from field work. Somehow, it felt different this time.

Hisoka could sense them wishing he would reamain asleep for just a little longer. This wasn't far from the truth, both his co-workers had hoped they would have more time to think of the right things to say, to at least ease his pain. However, the time to face it had clearly come for Hisoka had begun directing his gaze to the bed beside his own.

Empty.

He closed his eyes and opened it again, hoping at least to see some untidy fold upon the white blanket. Tidy. He shifted slowly but focusing eyes further to the head of the bed, expecting to see a patient's nametag there. None.

Tatsumi and Watari could only watched at the boy's action, certain of what was coming next, not withstanding of what they should say. Then, and only then did he turn his attention back to his co-workers.

"Tsu…zuki?" He questioned, his voice hoarse since it all goes with how he shouted for his partner back then.

Tatsumi swallowed hard, something he hardly do, as did Watari. In fact, Hisoka couldn't recall a single instance where he had seen Tatsumi do. To make things even worse, both looked away. As Hisoka's eyes could focus more clearly, he saw those eyes behind the lenses was swollen from weeping. That could only mean…

"Tsuzuki!" He yelled, leaping up imediately in spite of his wounds, causing pain to shoot through his entire body. He pushed aside the blanket with his bandaged hands. It took both of the older shinigami to push him back into bed, not wanting the boy to hurt himself. Flailing, he grabbed at the closest thing, which turned out to be Watari's labcoat. Yanking on it, he drew the man close. "Watari-san! Where's Tsuzuki?"

"….." Watari amber eyes closed, not daring to look into the boy's eyes.

Seeing the doctor's reluctance, Hisoka released his clothes, reaching out to grab Tatsumi instead. "Tatsumi-san! Tsuzuki! Where is he?" Tatsumi shook his head sadly. That picture, reminded Hisoka of how Tatsumi had did the same expression back then, when the three of them were at the gate after…

"No…" Hisoka felt weakness overtake him, his hands sliding off Tatsumi's brown suit.

Watari's hands trembled, he knew this would come when the boy open his eyes, yet reality bites hard. He felt his eyes burning as he tried to hold back his tears.

"Wa…Watari-san…tell me he's OK, Tsuzuki just went out for something to eat…right?" Green eyes started to water. He wanted an answer, a nod of assurance, Tsuzuki. Anything…but silence.

He knew in his heart more than anyone else, he was closest to the place where things happened to Tsuzuki. Somehow, he deosn't want to accept that he knows it.

As if some sort of little strength returned to him partly, he grabbed Tatsumi's suit once again, shaking intensely and furiously with his head cast downwards before looking up at Tatsumi tearfully.

"Why? Why don't you let me go with him? Why save me…why bother to save me without him?" Small voice cracked and he coughed badly, staining both his shirt and Tatsumi's with faint blood.

Watari hurriedly grabbed some clean cloth and swabbed at his mouth. "Try not to talk, Bon." But Hisoka was beyond caring. He turned his head away persistently.

At this outburst, Tatsumi placed his hands upon the small, shaking shoulder, and turning him around gently. He hold the broken boy who had stopped coughing but continued weeping. "Kurosaki-kun. He wanted you to live." Hisoka raised his tearful eyes uncomprehendingly. "'Save him,' that's what he said to me."

Green eyes widened as he realized what had happened back then. So it was Tatsumi whom Tsuzuki had talked to when he broked his gaze from Hisoka that time. 'To save me?'

'_To save me? You idiot Tsuzuki!'_

"But I don't want…" He began, unable to finish his words and broke into a sobs, clutching his face. His other hand as well grabbed tensely on the blanket.

Sure he had said that he wanted Tsuzuki to live for him. But that didn't mean that he wanted living. He only wanted to be with Tsuzuki, and that would be his 'living.' If Tsuzuki choose to die, so would he.

'_I don't want to be saved, I want to go with him.'_

Tatsumi eyed Watari who at some point, the tears would soon falls. Tatsumi closed his blue eyes and felt himself too on the edge of tears.

Hisoka had woke up to the worst nightmare.

* * *

"How was he?" Wakaba whispered at the two exited the infirmary and closed the door behind them. They were all outside, waiting. Tatsumi explained it might be better if the others did't go in as of yet. 

Wakaba, her face tainted with tears. Terazuma stood closed to her, his usual relentless posture now weakened. The two twin little gods slumped together on the bench. And the two blond haired girls from Hokkaido which stood nearby, their faces displaying same expression as Wakaba's.

Tatsumi hesitated for a moment, and pushed his glasses further up his nose, quickly assessing his collegues. One of the twin gods was holding a small case by his lap, he noted, most probably containing books for Hisoka. The so-called twin girls had a bag with the words 'Pink House' on it, no doubt bearing gifts for their young friend. Needless to say, the overbulging bag that Wakaba carried must have been filled with food for the patient. But this was not the time, and might never again will be one.

"Well?" Wakaba prompted expectantly. It was only then that it came to Tatsumi attention that he had yet to answer her. At that he sighed.

"It's as bad as you can imagine," was all Tatsumi could say.

"He wants to be alone…for a while." Watari said ruefully, understanding Hisoka's needs far better than the rest. Of all people in Shokan Division, Watari was the only one who had known something the others don't, in this case.

Everytime. Everytime both of them got injured from their field work. Tsuzuki would rush an unconscious Hisoka to the infirmary, oblivious to his own wounds as he babbleed incoherently about his injured partner. And Hisoka had done no less.

Despite the fact that Tsuzuki was much larger than him and despite his own wounds, Hisoka too had often stumbled into the infirmary with an unconscious Tsuzuki upon his wounded shoulders. Then, he would wait anxiously while Watari examined his partner. No matter who it was that had staggering to him for help, Watari had always observed the same pattern: all treatment for themselves was to be withheld until their partner had been attended to. Then, and only then, would they submit to Watari's treatment.

It was a similar pattern when they woke. Though Watari's first question to either of them had always been to check on their conditions, the only response he had gotten was a swift glance towards the nearest bed. Whenever they had seen their partners lying on the bed opposite, they would sigh in relief. Tsuzuki would always ask about Hisoka's condition, and Hisoka would inevitably ask of Tsuzuki's whereabouts whenever Tsuzuki was nowhere to be seen although he woudn't and hardly would admit it when Watari teased him. All these Watari had seen, and more.

All in all, whenever one of them would leave the infirmary for their own business. For Tsuzuki, it would be something to eat. For Hisoka,something to read. Watari should always be ready for an immediate answer.

He remembered sometime he would trick them, having no other thing to do than to mess with them. Although he couldn't hold back his laughter that long, getting to see a disbelieving blank stare from the boy or a look of utter shock from the naïve man. With that, Watari would either get a death glare from infuriated Hisoka, or a death grabbed on the collar of his labcoat with maniacal Tsuzuki who would bare his teeth at the mischief-maker.

Watari wouldn't have a chance to do that again.

* * *

_Your presence still lingers here,_

_And it won't leave me alone._

'_He protected me, he always did. And that angered me. He sure knows how to keep me from physical harm.'_

Hisoka thought of the time Tsuzuki took Muraki's blow for him after they'd first met. He even had time to worry about Hisoka's empathy while he himself was coughing up blood. Or the time Tsuzuki took an arrow for him when they were hired to look for the queen of snow. And all of the many other times Tsuzuki had injured himself trying to guard Hisoka from getting hurt.

'What about me…what about my pain? This time you have left me with a good wound…Tsuzuki…you really have.'

He curled himself under the white blanket. His tears had stopped though his heart kept on bleeding. His vision blurred, his throat burned and it hurts. He shut his eyes as he buried his face in the soaked pillow.

* * *

"What are you thinking Tatsumi?" Tatsumi was startled at the question from Watari. Everyone has already gone home since it was already late. But the two shinigami stayed for the boy. "You're quiet, what's on your mind?" The scientist asked again. Tatsumi reamained silent. "Is it about what Bon said earlier?" 

For a few moments he stood still, then Tatsumi nodded, his eyes settling on his hands. "I was just thinking. Did I do the right thing? Saving only Kurosaki-kun now that he doesn't want anything but to be with…Tsuzuki-san."

Watari let out a long sigh. He stood up and walked toward the window, staring out at the night sky. "It's complicated. Tsuzuki wants the boy to live and Bon wants to die with Tsuzuki." Watari watched the cherry blossom in Meifu, ever-blooming. "You've done what Tsuzuki wants, that's all I know for a fact." He paused for a while before setting up a question. "Do you think Bon's gonna make it…through this?"

Tatsumi gave him a questioning glance.

"We're all dead. Aren't we? We all faced the worst and lost the day we died. Even when we were alive, we had the worst to face. This is just another time, do you think he can make it?" Watari spoke in an unsured tone.

"I'm afraid that's not likely possible. You see, his death doesn't mean much, maybe doesn't mean anything to him, I think . He hasn't cried over his own death since he came to Meifu, didn't even care about it. His life was a nightmare, especially in the last 3 years. We know little about his past. But as long as we know it, you and I know that…Tsuzuki…" Tatsumi closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Tsuzuki was the first thing in his life…after life that he valued."

Watari understood what he was saying. "Come to think of it. He rejected reality at first. Seemed that he just wanted to know nothing of Tsuzuki's departure. So unlike Bon, when the first time we met him he was so eager to find out the truth, though he knew it wouldn't be a nice thing to know."

"I can't let Kurosaki-kun die. Because that would make Tsuzuki-san suffer much more than he already had. But then…Kurosaki-kun's life without Tsuzuki will hurt him more than anything." Tatsumi now brought his hands over his face as if to hide his face, but Watari could see the miserable emotion. "I should…I should just let them go…together. But…"

The scientist walked over to Tatsumi and placed his hand on Tatsumi's shoulder. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it, knowing soothing words would not do much.

They cast a glance one last time at the sleeping boy, not knowing what to do from from now on until forever ended. They were lost.

_If we still rememeber him he will always exist in us. That means it hasn't been zero._

Tatsumi recalled what he had told Hisoka back then and knew it was all in vain now.

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How was it? Tell me what you think. It's kinda going slow. But i'll make sure i'll make it till the end. 


	3. Ch3 Vengeance

Well, it's been a while. This is the continued chapter, anyone still reading? no?

Anyway, thanx a million to Hinigeshi-san for beta-reading.

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Chapter 3 Vengeance

_These wounds won't seems to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

"Did anyone at all ever tell us that the emotional state would have an effect on our ability to heal? No? For regular human, that's true, but for shinigami, it's not. But this is…"

"It hasn't healed entirely, it should have by now though.." Watari studied Hisoka's hands as he dressed the wound. Unconcious green eyes showed nothing at all, only looking beyond anything and out the window, solitary and unprotected. Watari could only worry and informed him to take care of himself none the less.

Kachou had given the week off for Hisoka to rest as well. Everyone in the department tried to cheer him up in several ways, sometimes it almost drove him to the point of frustration. He would glare at them with the silent words 'leave me alone' cleary written on his face. Everyone understand now how his partner's death affect him this much. They knew Hisoka wouldn't have any intention to hurt other people's feelings, unless they deserved it of course. Back then, however, there used to be only one…only one who would keep pestering him until he had burst…Tsuzuki.

---'_You read lots of books, do you? Hmm? What's that? Words of Wisdom?Ne ne, can you tell me one?'_

_'I have only one nerve left…and you're getting on it.'_

_'Meany! Hisoka! Couldn't you say anything better?'_

_'Of all the things I've lost…'_

_'Hisoka…?'_

'…_I've missed my mind the most.'_

_'Oww!'---_

After a few weeks, Hisoka insisted that he could work, so Tatsumi got him a few easy paperwork, maybe it would be better to keep his mind on something else. But things had changed, he messed up his time schedule, his work not reaching the standard, and he would eat little if nothing at all. He didn't have any books in his hand in free time. All he did after work was sitting, and staring into space.

No one could predict what was on his mind now.

* * *

When Hisoka came home, he threw his jeans jacket on the coat rack carelessly, watching it fall off the coathanger with no interest. His small house was now a complete mess; books, clothes, and various stuffs all around the place. He recalled how he used to inform a certain person to keep his apartment up more tidy since he tends to bump into anything in his way when he was there. Sometimes, out of irritation, he even clean things up for Tsuzuki.

And he always found pictures in Tsuzuki's mess. A picture of him, and a picture of everyones in their division. Hisoka never understand much why the picture was meant to be taken., but whenever he went undercover for a case, there were always those group of girls and boys that wanted his picture, or Tsuzuki's.

That's when he eyed over a small a picture frame on the dresser. It's brown wooden carved frame showed a picture of both himself and Tsuzuki. The latter was smiling, as he held Hisoka just over the shoulder, in Sunflower field. Hisoka recalled the Summon department went on a short so-called vacation. Without knowing, Tsuzuki had casually crept behind Hisoka's back, and pulled him close along with the sunflower that touched the boy's cheeks. When Hisoka started to glare, it was too late, Watari had already snapped the picture. Which, after printed out, Tsuzuki said it was the best shot.

Tsuzuki insisted him on having one. If that weren't enough, the man bothered to go over putting it in the picture frame he bought from Chijoh, proceeding to place it on one of Hisoka's shelves back home. And he actually smiled a lot when later he came, and found that it was still there.

Now Hisoka understood sometimes human just look at the picture when they missed that person. With that thought, he walked over to the shelf, grabbing the frame and putting it face down.

Then he flopped down tiredlessly on a once comfortable couch. But it seems not comfortable anymore, maybe any other things would too. He realized sometimes he would seek for himself a comfort from anything in the world…blankets, books, tea, anything not human. But that was before he met Tsuzuki.

No one ever took his hand, but Tsuzuki did. When he was just a small child, Hisoka stretched out his hand to his mother, hoping for a hand bigger than his own to reach out for him too. It never came. But now, someone took it, and he was caught up and held close in the arms of a man who had come to reveal all things to him, more than all things else, the positive side of human affection, whether it be in what form.

His world must have began with Tsuzuki and as well, ended with him.

* * *

"He's not getting any better."

"I know."

Watari commented as Tatsumi answered dryly knowing well there's nothing much they could do, but only watched.

"Think we should talk it over with him," the Secretary spoke calmly, albeit slightly nervous.

"Yeah, maybe it's time he should just forget things." As a doctor, Watari hoped that the boy could at least try not to think too much about things that happend.

"Why are you telling me this?" Hisoka spoke quietly, sitting over at the balcony in the coffee break room, gazing out at the cherry blossoms. Tatsumi and Watari sat across from him on the couch, and had just told the younger shinigami that he should try to forget about his partner.

Hisoka continued what he was saying. "I know it's just as hard for you two as me trying to forget about him. But you act as if things are fine, that you could accept what had happened. That everyone has begun to move on. But I'm the only one that can't because I'm just a kid?" At last, the boy turned to the Tatsumi and Watari.

"You have to get over it, Bon. We know there's more for you in future. Crying over something that had been…gone won't do anything." Watari spoke through trembled rythms. Tatsumi nodded, while Hisoka started to glare at the elders, which he rarely does before.

_'You know damn well I can't.'_ Hisoka thought to himself. '_How can I ever forget about that baka._ He turned his head away from the two again. Blond strands obscuring his face. _I even miss…calling him that…a baka.'_

"You won't be a kid forever, Kurosaki-kun." Tatsumi soothed him. "At least, for Tsuzuki-san's sake…"

At the mention of the name, Hisoka's head snapped back to them, his green eyes full of lamentation. "Stop it! I tried to, but I just can't forget him. Everyday, there's all the things that would remind me of him!" The boy started shouting. "Seeing you Tatsumi-san would remind me of how he transformed into his stupid puppy form when he got scolded! Seeing Watari-san would remind me of how he used to get trapped being you genuine pig when you traded him food!" He can't bring himself to say more as he started choking with tears but all the thoughts were all in his mind… 'Of Kannuki, of how he have all her homemade sweets that made him perked up the entire day. Terazuma, how he got onto his nerve and bringing both of them to a dead match. Kachou, of how he sweatdrop when he gets money but only for sovenirs. Gushoshins, of how he jumped out off his skin when they appeared behind him.'

Everyone and even everything would remind him of Tsuzuki.

The outburst had left Tatsumi and Watari speechless. What could they possibly say to the boy? Watari drew closer to Hisoka, trying to provide all the comfort that he could.

"Bon…"

Hisoka wiped his eyes, pushing Watari away, and left the room in haste, ignoring his seniors calling out his name.

The scientist could only watched in distress. When he turned to Tatsumi, he saw blue eyes were just as troubled. "He might…never make it." The secretary put in. "He hasn't been himself all this time."

Watari listened, striding to the open window, and laid his hands on the sills. The next moment he banged his fist on it with a cursed, causing his white skin hand to swell, but slowly it healed. The silence consumed. As Tatsumi still sat, his hand clenched and unclenched.

"Some people, just need someone to be themselves." Watari revealed. "He's definitely not mourning over Tsuzuki's death, but bearing the guilt of how he couldn't save Tsuzuki."

"So," Tatsumi murmured, almost to himself. "What...now?"

* * *

Hisoka fell on his bed, lying there for God knows how long. After bursting out of the office, he just came straigt home. Grabbing the pillow between hands, he buried his face in it. His shoulders shook, and he started sobbing, tears leaking out and soaking the clothes. "Tsuzuki…Tsuzuki…Tsuzuki…" Repeating the name of his lost partner over and over again, he cried, wondering why the damn tears never stop. 

Back then, Tsuzuki would already be here with him, comforting him with every soothing words. Thinking of someone that would never return was so maddening…he felt like dying.

He cried himself to restless sleep.

* * *

He saw the two of them together. One of them, so pleased, and the other, his partner, looked as if he was on the edge of madness. He himself was there too. He was holding a fainted Mariko, and knew he couldn't made it in time to run to Tsuzuki, whom was on his knees, holding himself and trembling all over with guilt. If Tatsumi hadn't appeared and came to the rescue, Hisoka would have cursed himself forever for running to get Mariko in the first place.

In fact, he never were nor would care about that girl, it's only his job to keep her on guard. However, he won't think twice or not at all to put Tsuzuki's safety in front of anyone else.

Then, as soon as he blinked, he saw himself rushing to his partner. Obstructed by Suzaku, stopped by Tatsumi, he didn't care. He headed to Tsuzuki's direction. But tried as he might, all he can do was watched him taken by the man he despised most.

He didn't give up somehow, given hope by Tatsumi. Fighting beyond his ability and undergoing the brutal pain beyond his endurance, he made it to Tsuzuki. Once again he found himself in the man's arms, revealing all the things he felt inside. Not hoping, nor expecting Tsuzuki to live on or come back, 'with Tsuzuki' was all he wanted. Hell, anywhere, so be it.

It was all for nothing, however, when Tsuzuki gave his 'life' to save his own.

_Thank you, I'm glad you came for me, Hisoka._

All he can see were black shadows that protected him from the black flames that destroy. And he heard it, that dying laughter…of some psycho maniac. The voice he so badly wanted to turn deaf ears on better than hearing it.

_You always distracted Tsuzuki-san from me, bouya. You won't have him. He's mine._

Another familiar face came up. Silvery hair and eyes, gleaming in the darkest night with the large round moon washed in blood above them. That twisted smile full of malice and wickedness. A face that tormented him even after life, either when he was awake or asleep. A man he so wanted to avenge with his own hands.

He used to loathed and despite the man so much for torturing and ending his life. Lately, he hated him with all his heart for making Tsuzuki suffered.

Muraki Kazutaka.

* * *

Hisoka bolted up right in his bed, green eyes wide and troubled by the nightmare. Breathing heavily, sweat felling off of his pale face. His hands grabbed the clothes on the bed, trembling. If it were any other time, he might have felt the need to let his tears out. However, this time was much different.

For a few moments after trying to find his bearings, Hisoka stood right up and paced to the closet nearby. On his tip-toes, he reached to the higher shelf and pulled a small black box out. Without a second glance he dropped it on the floor, getting right down next to it. Opening the case he looked right at the gun, gleaming in the moonlight.

M92F was printed on it.

He took it out off the box and held it between his hands, checking the bullets. Closing his eyes, he held the barrel of the gun at his forehead before opening his eyes. As of yet, emerald eyes glinted, reflecting nothing but only the eagerness to revenge.

_I'LL KILL YOU, MURAKI!_

_

* * *

_

note: the picture i'm talking about, i'm sure everyone would have seen it. it's in the ending song of YnM series, it was in the character book too. there's one picture which have Tsuzuki and Hisoka in the sunflower field.


	4. Ch4 Your Optimistic Mind

Chapter4 Your Optimistic Mind

_There's just too much that time cannot erase._

He couldn't sleep much after that nightmare.

About several hours before dawn, Hisoka sat on his bed, gazing out the window to the night sky. His hands kept holding and shifting the barrette all the time until the break of the day. Only then did he move.

And only then did his mind face the position he was in. Hisoka's ready to go to "_him_."

* * *

Hisoka knew where "_he_" is.

Long ago, when he first became a shinigami, the first thing he wanted to know so badly was how he died. And when he obtained the information for the "cause" of his death, he wanted the background of it. His partner, however, had stopped him before he had a chance to step in the prohibited area in JuOhCho.

Only later did he find out. It was no sickness at all, he was killed by someone.

Muraki Kazutaka.

_---Why did he have to kill me? Why did he have to carve that wretched curse on me? Why did he only laugh at my pain? Why me?_

"_Because it's a rule," the malicious voice said. "You saw the face of a killer, something you are not supposed to see. And you're far too beautiful just to kill, so I'll take this advantage. I'll take this pleasure in torturing such an enchanting creature.---_

Hisoka tried to shake the thought off of his head.

Not this time; when he finally was able to sneak in again, that his partner was around to stop him. It seemed to him that his partner used to always be around, preventing him from getting involved with a certain maniac. Tsuzuki…always there to stand between him and Muraki. But now…not anymore.

Then he finally had the information he needed from the computers in the prohibited section.

* * *

He strolled along the side walk, heading directly to Tokyo Hospital.

Tsuzuki had met Muraki before him, after they became shinigami. He asked Tsuzuki a lot about Muraki, although grudgingly. And Tsuzuki always gave him those worried looks. Hisoka wanted to know about Muraki. The boy believed the more he knew, the more he would have a chance at vengeance. However, the man would try to change the subject, or would keep his mouth shut and ignored it.

Thinking back on it now, Hisoka felt the briefest of understandings toward his partner's responses, but didn't second think it. Instead, he stepped inside the front doors to the hospital.

* * *

"Kurosaki Hisoka? And your illness?" The receptionist asked politely to the boy.

"I have an appointment with him; I wanted him to check it out himself.." He answered dryly while the receptionist started typing his name in the computer; her brow furrowed slightly. "Umm, did you already make an appointment?

"Yes, I did," he lied. "If it's not in the computer, can you please just call him?" Green eyes gestured around the hall in the hospital. "I believe I can meet him now, if it isn't too much trouble." Then he just watched as the woman contemplated the situation and nodded, she turned to dial the number on the desk phone.

His heart began beating faster.

"Dr. Muraki?"

Hisoka's blood boiled, hearing the mentioned name, although he himself had just said it before shortly. But now, he was sure that the man was here, in this hospital, not far from him. It was odd, that he could bizarrely control his temper this time. He waited, and listened to the receptionist's conversation with the man Hisoka believed that he'll soon be dead when he met him.

"Umm, there's a patient who claimed to have an appointment with you…yes…his name is Kurosaki Hisoka...ok…I'll send him up then." She hung up.

Hisoka blinked at the speed of the conversation. Frowning, his insides did a back flip. Did the man not stop and think at all that someone not unusual had come visit him? But on the second thought, Muraki was the one who was always with plans. He might already know that a shinigami was coming for him. Or…he might not even remember his name.

The shinigami went through a little procedure of the hospital before he progressed on the upper floor. He sat on the patient's chair, and waited to see the doctor.

* * *

Meanwhile, at JuOhCho.

"Bon?" Watari knocked the door louder. "Isn't he going open up?" Hazy amber eyes turned to 003 on his shoulder, she nestled against his long blond hair. The scientist knocked another time, the door slid back. He blinked and push the door open, wondering if the door hadn't been locked in the first place.

He poked his head indoor. "Bon?"

Silence.

The man stepped inside the house and was astonished to see all the mess. It looked completely different from the last time he was here. And he knew it, because the last time he was here, the boy's partner was still alive…

Watari avoided the mess, and made his way to the bedroom, expecting to see the boy asleep there. However, he was met with nothing but a mess. The only thing noticeable was a black box. Watari had worked around these sorts of things when he had been alive, and every time he looked at the case it gave him a feeling of dread. Face paling, he snatched the phone from his pocket quickly, pressing several buttons.

"Tatsumi! It's bon, I think he's in trouble!"

* * *

_Pain. Suffering. Hurt. _

Hisoka did his best to control his empathy, blocking other people's thoughts out of him. The people in this place were sick, and they can't stop thinking how long and how much more pain they have to suffer.

It almost ate him alive.

Then again, it brought him to another memory of his partner.

_**-----** 'It's not actually that bad, Hisoka.' Tsuzuki spoke enthusiastically while supporting the staggering boy with his arms. They were on the case in which Hisoka cannot avoid the hospital to make an investigation._

_The tired boy glared up at him. 'Huh? I don't suppose you would say that. Weren't you…' He paused, thinking over if he should speak of Tsusuki's past, but those purple eyes always expect him to say something, even to call him a baka. 'Weren't you in the hospital for…how long was it…' He turned away, regretting he said that. Maybe it's not right. So he changed it to his story instead. 'I was dying in a hospital too.'_

'_I know. It's not only your pain that you have to bear; it's the others as well. I know how bad it was.' _

"_Most of the time, I don't even know. Was it my pain I'm bearing, or the other." Then he turned back to looked at Tsuzuki. "Then I don't understand why you would say it's not that bad."_

"_Because hospital is not a place to get sick."_

"_Huh?"_

"_It's a place to get well, Hisoka." He smiled._

_Hisoka seems to be quiet for a while to digest this, but he glared. "But, how…" _

**_I never got better, it's only worsened, and so are you._**

_Tsuzuki gestured Hisoka to look over one of the section in the hall. A woman holding a baby, a man close beside her, their faces merry. "See how happy they are? This is the place where the parents held happiness with their first born._

_**But mine…they were not happy. They might as well wished I was never born.**_

_Tsuzuki realized he might have said something wrong when the boy became silent for a while and cursed himself. Then he began again. _

"_Look at those youngsters." _

_Hisoka peculiarly obeyed. And saw some group of youngsters supporting one of them out of the hospital. "They were so happy to have their friend get well. And I think there's a lot more. People are happy to have their loved ones back to their homes." _

_Hisoka just looked and listened to his partner, wondering why a man who knows so much brokeness can be this over-optimistic.By now, they were already out of the hospital. Tsuzuki took him to a nearby park and got him some water. _

"_Do you feel better?"_

"_Guess so."_

"_Good. That's a relief."_

"_Huh?"_

_Tsuzuki took a seat next to Hisoka. His eyes settled on the blue sky. "I was worried. Everytime when you got injured from field work and Watari shuts the door on me, because I'm not much help anyway." Tsuzuki made a face, as if he was embarrassed. Though we are shinigami, it never stops bothering my head that if something happen to you…"_

_Seeing that Tsuzuki cannot continue and might now be worrying over it, Hisoka spoke. "It's not gonna happen, you baka." _

_He smiled at the boy."I always got excited when that door opened up again." **-----**_

His green eyes snapped open as his name was being called by the nurse.

"Kurosaki-san. This way please." Hisoka rose from his seat, his hand reached and brushed over the gun tucked tightly in the back of his jeans. He breathed deeply before he followed to where the nurse leaded.

_This is it…_

The door swung open as the nurse motioned the boy to step in first. Hisoka was surprised with himself that he didn't wait any longer but immediately stepped inside the room. His green eyes look around briefly and finally set on something siverly. A back of a man with silver hair and dressed entirely in white. He had been arranging his files with his back turned to the patient, and seemed to be unaware of the other's presence.

Hisoka calmed himself. This is what always happened to him after that fateful night. This man forever would ignored him, always claiming the boy was insolent and such a little prick that gets in his way.

The nurse was about to call the doctor but the boy motioned with his hand to stop her. Hisoka turned to the doctor who seemed to continue arranging his files in that cabinet.

"Dr. Muraki. Shouldn't you be aware that your patient has arrived?" The boy spoke dryly.

For a few moments of silence, the silvery head tilt upward slightly and remain motionless as if the person was lost in thought. Then he turned, glancing from the corner of his eyes.

"So it is really you, Bouya." His lips curled into a smile.

Upon seeing that face, Hisoka felt like strangling him alive. But, first thing first, he reminded himself harshly. "Nurse, could you please leave us? I have some personal matter." The nurse turned to the doctor. When the doctor nodded his head in approve, she simply left.

After the door was closed. Both men stay awhile in silence until the doctor starts talking.

"Why don't you come and sit then we'll figure what was wrong with your illness, so I can pack some medicine for you?" Muraki smiled, almost sweetly as the kind doctor will do to the sick patient of his. When Hisoka didn't seem to reply, he added. "You have black circles around you eyes, haven't you gotten any sleep? You look terrible."

"Why did you let me in so easily? You don't remember my name, isn't it?"

"Just the same old you, you let your curiosity get you again. What did you come here for? To kill me? And just to remind you. I remembered your name, _he _called you all the time. I just thought that you are not this stupid to come to see me all by yourself."

If it was any other time, Hisoka would be boiling with rage by now, somehow, this time it's different. He just stood there, his eyes cold as ice.

"That answered the question…" Pale hand reached behind his back and pulled the gun he'd been carrying there for a while. Hisoka held his gun before him, aiming it at Muraki's direction.

* * *

note: still getting no where, isn't it? well, maybe i have too much flashback but i really love writing about TsuHi. 


End file.
